& keep you wild

these are the dreams we should be having.

I think most of the time, the nicest thing you can do for someone quietly crying in public is to say a little prayer for them and to just let them be, pretending you never noticed. Give them a world without intrusion for a while.

The Weepies

—Gotta Have You

the road gets cold/ there’s no spring in the middle this year

(Source: violetmaps)

Iron and Wine

—Faded From the Winter

To me from the timbers
Faded from the winter

(Source: thegardenyouveplanted)

let everything happen to you. beauty and terror. just keep going. no feeling is final.

—rilke

http://www.youtube.com/attribution_link?a=QPDJaH8CmIY&u=/watch?v=S-stTfHfmyo&feature=share

hey, i wanna say something. i’ve been trying to be more honest lately and i just need to say a few things. i did the coal walk. just, i did it. michael, you couldn’t even do that. maybe i should be your boss.

why didn’t any of you come to my art show? i invited all of you, and it really sucked. it’s like some of you act like i don’t even exist.

(tonight i said something i needed to say, and i didn’t do the coal walk, but then i walked all the way home because i felt like i had. i don’t care if anyone even listened to what i said. the words came out of my mouth and i didn’t go home feeling like i was going to explode like i always do. there are so many things in my life that it’s inappropriate to be honest about right now but i was honest tonight so BOOM, coal walk.)

Eating in the MGH cafeteria alone is always an oddly emotional experience. It reminds me that there are so many people who struggle with sickness to various degrees, and that my bad day might be someone else’s good day. I’ve gone up and down these elevators for my own treatment. I’ve slowly walked these halls with my grandmother, dragging an IV pole behind her. I’ve raced through the night to meet my sister and grandma at the ER during her heart attack. I’ve gone on my own here and I’ve been loved here. And I always buy the $2.50 fruit cup and I’m gonna be fine.

Eating in the MGH cafeteria alone is always an oddly emotional experience. It reminds me that there are so many people who struggle with sickness to various degrees, and that my bad day might be someone else’s good day. I’ve gone up and down these elevators for my own treatment. I’ve slowly walked these halls with my grandmother, dragging an IV pole behind her. I’ve raced through the night to meet my sister and grandma at the ER during her heart attack. I’ve gone on my own here and I’ve been loved here. And I always buy the $2.50 fruit cup and I’m gonna be fine.

unless you are one of my physicians or someone who personally experiences a digestive disorder, i am exactly 0% interested in unsolicited advice or speculation about: what i should or should not be eating, or when; how i should or should not exercise; what meds i should or should not take; what emotions i should or should not feel about chronic illness.  

i know people mean well.  i accept the support they are trying/failing to express.  but i am the one who lives in this body, who knows this body, who lives with the symptoms, and my body, this distended belly, these messed up intestines, this dysfunctional stomach, does not exist to be scrutinized or ‘fixed’ by any random person. 

to myself

You are riding the bus again
burrowing into the blackness of Interstate 80,   
the sole passenger
with an overhead light on.   
And I am with you.
I’m the interminable fields you can’t see,

the little lights off in the distance   
(in one of those rooms we are   
living) and I am the rain
and the others all
around you, and the loneliness you love,
and the universe that loves you specifically, maybe,

and the catastrophic dawn,
the nicotine crawling on your skin—
and when you begin
to cough I won’t cover my face,
and if you vomit this time I will hold you:   
everything’s going to be fine

I will whisper.
It won’t always be like this.
I am going to buy you a sandwich.
- Franz Wright
  • stomach: yo, i feel horrible.
  • brain: i'm starting two new meds this week and i want to feel better but i'm worried they'll make me worse and what about side effects and should i pre-emptively call in sick to work and i can't stop thinking about terrible things i read on the internet and maybe i should check with my doctor one more time but man wouldn't it be great if my stomach un-bloated from the size of a gigantic watermelon and i could eat and exercise and sleep like a normal person but i'm worried things will get worse
  • stomach: ... yo, still feeling horrible over here.