& keep you wild

these are the dreams we should be having.

season

This hour along the valley this light at the end
of summer lengthening as it begins to go
this whisper in the tawny grass this feather floating
in the air this house of half a life or so
this blue door open to the lingering sun this stillness
echoing from the rooms like an unfinished sound
this fraying of voices at the edge of the village
beyond the dusty gardens this breath of knowing
without knowing anything this old branch from which
years and faces go on falling this presence already
far away this restless alien in the cherished place
this motion with no measure this moment peopled
with absences with everything that I remember here
eyes the wheeze of the gate greetings birdsongs in winter
the heart dividing dividing and everything
that has slipped my mind as I consider the shadow
all this has occurred to somebody else who has gone
as I am told and indeed it has happened again
and again and I go on trying to understand
how that could ever be and all I know of them
is what they felt in the light here in this late summer

- w. s. merwin

(rereading dean young’s the art of recklessness and this is the last, most correct and perfect graf:)

maybe tomorrow will be the day everyone wakes up to write a poem.  or maybe just you and me, fallen asleep on duty, fallen asleep to duty forever.  no one knows what will happen, but you and i at least, while the music of a murmur invents us, will have no part in anyone’s war, we will waste nothing, a signal going through us like an inkling of god or a hunger for strawberries or the indisputable fact of love. 

jonathan

We are underwater off the coast of Belize.
The water is lit up even though it’s dark
as if there are illuminated seashells
scattered on the ocean floor.
We’re not wearing oxygen tanks,
yet staying underwater for long stretches.
We are looking for the body of the boy
we lost. Each year he grows a little older.
Last December you opened his knapsack
and stuck in a plastic box of carrots.
Even though we’re underwater, we hear
a song playing over a policeman’s radio.
He comes to the shoreline to park
and eat midnight sandwiches, his headlights
fanning out across the harbor.
And I hold you close, apple of my closed eye,
red dance of my opened fist. 

- Jeffrey McDaniel

oh setting sun don’t sink before I’ve found my heartheart don’t give up now while there’s still timetime don’t beat your old retreatstay a little while with metil I’ve looked the whole thing in the eyeI have waited, I have waitedfor the big reveal, the even keelI have waitedoh night bring all your shadows and your silencesilence make a hostage of my mindmind bring on your trickeryblack dogs nip on at my heelstil i’ve looked the whole thing in the eyeswing low, sail high, swing low, sail highbut I love you, how I love youall my days will rearrange to say I love youoh setting sun don’t weep for all the things you lose

oh setting sun don’t sink before I’ve found my heart
heart don’t give up now while there’s still time
time don’t beat your old retreat
stay a little while with me
til I’ve looked the whole thing in the eye

I have waited, I have waited
for the big reveal, the even keel
I have waited

oh night bring all your shadows and your silence
silence make a hostage of my mind
mind bring on your trickery
black dogs nip on at my heels
til i’ve looked the whole thing in the eye

swing low, sail high, swing low, sail high

but I love you, how I love you
all my days will rearrange to say I love you

oh setting sun don’t weep for all the things you lose

(Source: angiedoesthings)

365 days ago I saw this cutie’s face on petfinder and @catsull came with me to the MSPCA to meet her. The staff wondered why I wanted to see the bun in the back room housed with some random parrots but she ran over to the side to lick me and that was that. The next day @kpaoletta and I raced to the shelter the minute it opened so that nobody else could scoop her up! It hasn’t all been easy but man, coming home to this sassy lady every day is the best ever. Happy adoption, lil weezy!

365 days ago I saw this cutie’s face on petfinder and @catsull came with me to the MSPCA to meet her. The staff wondered why I wanted to see the bun in the back room housed with some random parrots but she ran over to the side to lick me and that was that. The next day @kpaoletta and I raced to the shelter the minute it opened so that nobody else could scoop her up! It hasn’t all been easy but man, coming home to this sassy lady every day is the best ever. Happy adoption, lil weezy!

but there is another place in my heart that knows that i finally kept my promise.  i was the one who took care of toby right up to the very end, who stayed with him so he wouldn’t be alone.  just like finn would have wanted.  and sometimes, when i don’t want to be sad anymore, i think that makes it almost even.

one thing i do know is that my superpower is gone.  my heart is broken and soft, and i am plain again.  i have no friends in the city.  not a single one.  i used to think maybe i wanted to become a falconer, and now i’m sure of it, because i need to figure out the secret.  i need to work out how to keep things flying back to me instead of always flying away.

- ‘tell the wolves i’m home,’ carol rifka brunt

chronic illness sucks and i don’t know how much more summer i can take.  even as a child the heat always affected me much more strongly than anyone else, but in the past few years it’s all gone to hell.  i have an appointment with an endo soon to figure out if something hormonal is going on but the best the doctors can do is say that hot weather puts heat stress on my regular symptoms.  i know there have to be other people like me, but i’ve never met one, and i’ve never gotten a good explanation.  nobody can tell me why heat (even a hot coffee shop in winter) has my nausea on a hair trigger, why the summer turns my guts to liquid, how even 80 degrees has me dizzy and exhausted and shaky, why my body temperature feels like it spikes 20 degrees right when i wake up, why i often find myself sweating all over even while just sitting in a cool room. for most people summer is fun, lots of cookouts and beach days and exploring the city, and then for some people hot weather is just a nuisance, but for me it means every morning gritting my teeth, planning the day around AC and saying ‘you can do it, you have to do it, you can do one more day, it will be cooler soon, it has to be, it has to be.’ i hate wishing, begging, the days away, but the summer overpowers me, the heat wins, and i can’t take it.  is anyone else like this? 

Sam Smith

—I've Told You Now

you know what i mean, it’s like walking in the heat all day with no water

it’s like waiting for a friend, watching everyone else meet theirs on that corner

(Source: tmrpmusic)

i thought i saw my grandmother at the hospital.  i was leaving my GI appointment and saw her coming down the hall.  not her, i know, but a woman who looked just like her— short linen pants, gray wool cardigan, slight stoop, even the wig looked the same. her nurse was carrying her case folder which had my grandmother’s doctor’s name on the front in block letters. my heart stopped.  and then i had to keep walking.

we spent so much time together, not only in life but in that hospital.  her taking me to appointments, me taking her to appointments, and later, rushing to the emergency room, and later, hanging out in her hospital room and walking the halls, and last, saying goodbye to her doctors as she left the hospital for the last time, homebound to start hospice.

i loved her. i miss her.  i never knew how much she really inspired me— not inspired in that cutesy general old person way, but literally inspired, how her bravery and badassery and calm and determination about her stomach problems and procedures just said to me t, get it together— until the last few months of her life.  there was me, with all my anxieties and pains and heavy leaning on my support system and then there was her, one of the first americans ever to get the whipple surgery, taking her meds, doing her preps by herself, exercising, leaving the house every day, making it look easy enough.  watching her do it all— in a condition much worse than mine— was basically the only mirror i needed.  i miss that mirror, but i was so lucky to have it.  

one of my favorite seats on earth

one of my favorite seats on earth